conversation i just had with my mom, who is currently on post-op painkillers:

mom: i’m making a drs appt for myself for friday u need 1 too. when r u free

me: fridays and the weekend, sooner may be better than later considering my exhaustion [been really exhausted ALL THE TIME no matter what recently]

mom: would it be possible for you to call for an apptmnt for same day- see if they can fit you in? like u could call now and see if they have an apptmnt tonight

me: today wouldn’t work, i have a ton of hw to do

mom: try to call earlier one am before 8 to see if they can fit you in that day. U sure you’re not prefers or might be thyroid  or mono.????

me: omg mom did you just say preggers

me: mom i’m not pregnant

mom: im serious the unexplained weight gain ann exhaustion. some people still get periods for firs t few months???? That or you have a hypothyroidism (i got it after i had george!!) Take the pee test! <3 <3 <3 

me: i’m banking on something less life-ruiney, but i’ll do it for you

mom: Ok—-I’m waiting- irony want it to be ruined either but better find out now!<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

OMG MOM

• apologizing for everything.
• telling people how much appreciate them.
• telling people how beautiful they are.
• telling you how much i don’t give a fuck, AND REPEAT.
• suddenly overcome with an urge to tell self-deprecating secrets.
• talking about sex.
• assigning duties and responsibilities to those less drunk.
• planning out my future as the housewife of a rich man, who i will cheat on, divorce and rob him of all he’s worth -  thus transforming into a full-blown golddigger.
• offering my body to virgin friends in exchange for copious amounts of money.